I lie here in bed, unable to discern anything but pain. A burning, searing pain travelling up and down my back and legs. Pain that proves to be both unyielding and punishing in its intensity. Another flare, one of many I have experienced over the years of living with chronic pain. Once again, finding myself held hostage by the betrayal of my body. As I lie here, besieged by gruelling and unbearable pain, I have to decide: pain or painkiller.  A choice that is not an entirely easy one to make.

"I find myself held hostage by the betrayal of my body. As I lie here, besieged by gruelling and unbearable pain, I have to decide: pain or painkiller.  A choice that is not an entirely easy one to make." Click To Tweet

Pain Or Painkiller: The Dilemma

It seems so simple. You feel pain, so you pop a couple of painkillers to quash it before it becomes unmanageable. But when living with constant debilitating pain, the answer is not always so straightforward. Although they look unthreatening, those white pills can often cause unpleasant side effects that can be just as bad, if not worse, than the pain itself. Many a time, I have experienced intense, burning pain in my stomach. Burning pain that feels as if my stomach lining has eroded by the toxicity of the pills I have taken.

"Although they look unthreatening, those white pills can often cause unpleasant side effects that can be just as bad, if not worse, than the pain itself." Click To Tweet

Even if I am lucky enough to dodge such side effects, there is a chance they will not even work. From my viewpoint, painkillers rarely kill the pain; if I’m lucky, the pain will lessen slightly, but it never surrenders the way I wish it would.

"In my experience, painkillers rarely kill the pain, if I'm lucky, the pain will lessen slightly, but it never surrenders the way I wish it would, the way I need it to." Click To Tweet

A fuzzy cloud descends in my head when I have taken painkillers to help me cope with the relentless pain. But the side effects are not only limited to unpleasant physical sensations. One that makes it extremely difficult to think or concentrate. When under the influence of these drugs, I cannot focus on things I enjoy. I’m unable to read, write or even follow the plotlines of TV shows or films. And I question whether they are a friend or foe. 

Pain Or Painkiller: A Catch-22

The decision to take painkillers is, therefore, a catch-22 situation. On the one hand, I can reject pharmaceutical help to encourage the pain to cease. To offer me rest and peace from the torturous clutches of chronic pain. Or, I can choose to swallow these pills only to find that they have done little to alleviate my suffering. Or, even worse, trigger intense side effects that leave me feeling even more ill. Whichever path I take, it feels that I lose either way. And again, I question whether medications are an ally or an adversary. 

"The decision whether to take a painkiller is a catch-22. Whether I choose to endure the pain or take a painkiller and face the side effects, it feels that I lose either way. I question whether they are an ally or an adversary." Click To Tweet

As my hand reaches toward the packet of drugs, a voice whispers, reminding me of the evils of such opiates. But my hesitancy to swallow the pills that supposedly offer relief from unbearable pain is not only because of its punishing side effects. Every day there are stories in newspapers or television documentaries of the damage they can cause to the liver. But my hesitancy to swallow the pills that supposedly offer relief from unbearable pain is not only because of its punishing side effects. Or the likelihood of becoming overly reliant or dependent on them, painting those who require continuing pain relief as addicts. Or how we need to take more and more drugs to kill the pain until eventually, nothing will help liberate us from the suffering. 

Chronic Pain and Pill-Shaming

Like many others, I shame myself for even needing and taking painkillers. I often stop myself from taking pills that could help extricate myself from the pain I am experiencing. For the most part, I only take painkillers as a last resort. Firstly I try everything I can think of to help alleviate my suffering without relying on pills. Popping a pill is almost seen as lazy or an easy option to address pain. Such thinking implies that those who do, do not work hard enough to help ease our suffering. Like so many others, I have often been at the receiving end of “Have you tried…? 

"I often stop myself from taking pills that could help extricate myself from the pain I am experiencing. For the most part, I only take painkillers as a last resort, shaming myself for needing or taking them." Click To Tweet

I hate having to rely on medications to be able to function. I hate how they offer me a slice of normality, only for illness to snatch it away again. Not being in pain (or at least not in as much pain) is almost like living in an artificial reality. I know that this pain-free existence is not my reality, aware that it will soon end. Soon, this peace and tranquillity will end, and my reality of excruciating pain, dizziness, fatigue and sweeping weakness will begin anew. 

" I know the pain-free existence that painkillers offer is not my reality, aware that it will soon end. Soon, this peace will end, and my reality of intolerable pain and suffering will begin anew." Click To Tweet

But when the pain becomes chronic, never-ending and unyielding, it is unhealthy not to treat it. The dark tentacles of chronic pain can coil themselves around every aspect of our lives. It affects not only how we feel physically but also how we feel mentally. Depression and anxiety can be consequences of living with untreated chronic pain, leading to even more pain. Living with chronic, relentless pain can also affect what we can do, a list that can become significantly shortened at its worst. 

But Sometimes Pain Needs To Be Treated

Pain is not something that we should have to negotiate. When we are at the mercy of relentless, unyielding pain, sometimes our bodies need a break, a respite from it. Yes, the side effects of medications are a hell of their own. But they do provide a reprieve from the pain’s intensity. It may be short, much shorter than we would wish, but it can be a welcome relief. A break from its intensity often allows me the opportunity to recoup some of the lost hours of sleep that pain has stolen from me. And it provides me with a short window to read or catch up on the television programmes that I have missed because the pain has impeded my concentration. 

"Pain is not something that we should have to negotiate. When we are at the mercy of relentless, unyielding pain, sometimes our bodies need a break, a respite from it." Click To Tweet

I have noticed great benefits on the days when painkillers have been a part of my pain management. I have done more than wrestling with pain, wasting my day away.

Yes, the harsh side effects and its other disadvantages can seem that painkillers are a foe, something we must avoid at all cost. But pain, too, is a villain. One that impairs our quality of life, altering every facet of our life, sucking the very life out of us. 

"Yes, the harsh side effects and its other disadvantages can seem that painkillers are a foe, something we must avoid at all cost. But pain, too, is a villain. One that impairs our quality of life."  Click To Tweet

Painkillers are an ally, one that can grant relief and support in times of great need.  And no longer does it have to be a choice between pain or painkiller.

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